Healing After Abortion and Finding Joy Again

It was on my evening walk that I suddenly realized how happy I felt. The warm spring breeze, carrying the sweet scent of lilac and freshly cut grass, was the perfect temperature. The soft glow of the setting sun gave me such inward calm. The familiar song "The Joy of the Lord Is My Strength" played over and over in my mind as I picked up my pace in a grateful march up the hill.

What settledness I felt during that simple walk through the neighborhood on a random Friday evening. No other plans. No big event of the weekend to anticipate, but just a peace springing up that made me so happy and grateful.

I remember thinking that it wasn't so long ago the feeling of joy eluded me on most days. I would wonder to myself, "why is joy not more a part of my life, especially as a born again lover of Jesus?" Isn't that what we are told we will have as a Christian—joy? Or at least I assumed as much.

But too often, numbness and melancholy lingered beside me like familiar companions.

Many days I would have to coach myself to even get out of bed, knowing I had to keep moving and stay busy—so busy in fact that I was assured there'd be no space left in the day for past memories to creep in. I worked hard and attempted to do everything perfectly, in hopes that life would work itself out somehow. As if I could work my way to believing that I was good. Ignoring the deep-seated pain from my past until I absorbed it and it became a part of who I was, unconsciously believing that I was never enough, unworthy of good, inadequate, and undeserving.

Those negative beliefs about myself caused me to hide behind a happy persona and settle for surface-level conversation in public. When people asked, "How are you doing?" I'd smile and reply, "I'm fine" even while feeling distant on the inside. Immediately, I'd think, But you're not really fine, and wonder whether anyone would truly care anyway. It would take too much effort to describe the reason for the dull gloom that lingered, especially when I barely understood it myself, or why I seemed stuck with an Eeyore-like heaviness.

So, I kept a lot hidden, fearful if I shared too deeply people would see right through me and not care for what they'd found. Much of the time feeling like a poser in my own skin.

Although I was a born-again believer in Jesus Christ, raised my kids in the church, attended retreats, women's Bible studies, and was diligent to read daily devotions and pray, there was a disconnect that I could not name. I did all of the things I had been taught to do, but I was still lacking the joy that was promised in Scripture:

"...that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be full."—John 15:11

There were no obvious reasons in this season of life to be feeling a lack of happiness. My kids were grown and doing well. I had a happy marriage. There were no major financial concerns. I was living what others might call a "charmed" life (a phrase someone once used at my father's funeral, though I've never been sure whether it was meant as kindness or a subtle jab). Yes, my younger years held much hardship. But things were looking up now. Yet still something was missing.

Since I could not find joy I would often wonder if there was something faulty in my faith. I began praying for forgiveness for not having a joyful heart. As if it was a sin for feeling this way, but I felt a conviction for my unhappiness, especially since God had provided so much and taken such care of me, even when I didn't deserve it.

Deuteronomy 4:29 tells us, "But from there you will seek the Lord your God and you will find him, if you search after him with all your heart and with all your soul."

I remember the morning I lay face down on my bedroom floor, crying out to God, " What is wrong with me? Why do I not have Your joy? Please show me."

It was at that moment, His Holy Spirit reminded me of a Bible study that I had neglected, placing inside the bedside table a year prior. That study was called, Surrendering the Secret, Healing the Heartbreak of Abortion. I had every intention of starting that study, but knowing it would require me to open up a deep wound that had been festering for close to 40 years, seemed insurmountable.

But God knew it was time for that mountain in my life to move—the mountain of guilt and shame I had carried for nearly forty years. Somewhere along the way, I had come to believe that complete healing wasn't possible as it would lessen the seriousness of what I had done at sixteen or make it somehow matter less.

I could acknowledge God's forgiveness, but my heart still held on to condemnation, viewing it through the lens of my own judgment instead of through the mercy of what Jesus did on the cross. What I didn't understand was that fully receiving God's grace does not minimize sin. It magnifies the mercy of the One who forgives it.

Paul taught us, "...but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 5:20-21

While working through Surrendering the Secret, I began uncovering how deeply the abortion and the years of guilt, shame, and condemnation had affected my emotional and spiritual well-being.

That study was very difficult. It took me back through a lot of painful memories. But I see how that was all necessary in order to forgive those involved with the abortion decision, as well as myself. It wasn't until I had fully completed the Surrendering the Secret study, that I knew I was free from that guilt and condemnation that had held me down for far too long.

The joy of hearing the voice of my Lord Jesus and being obedient to Him cannot compare to any other joy I have known. He lifted the oppression. He placed a true smile back in my heart. He pulled back the dark curtain and called me to step into the light once more.

No longer do I beat myself up every time I make a mistake. Instead, I thank Him for making me aware when I have sinned and for gently bringing conviction to my heart. I ask Him to forgive me and help me do better in the future. Then I move forward cheerfully, knowing that He is faithful to forgive, restore, and continue changing me.

This does not lessen the grief I still feel over past sin or the seriousness of the choices I made. Rather, it reflects the freedom that comes from no longer living under condemnation after genuine repentance. That brings me great joy.

Now, instead of believing God looks at me with disappointment, I know He looks at me with love!

Zephaniah 3:17 tells us, "he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

The God of the universe, singing over me! He celebrates and delights in me!

Psalm 147:11: "The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love."

In one of my favorite chapters of the Bible, Psalm 139, verse 17 says,

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!"

The knowledge that God thinks of me so much, is overwhelming!

As I meditate on these verses, I realize how wrong my perception of God had been for so many years. I imagined Him looking at me with anger, disgust, and disappointment, ready to strike me down with a bolt of lightning. But instead, He was looking at me with compassion, mercy, and pure love, patiently waiting for me to seek Him with all my heart.

Jeremiah 29:12: "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

Although I had always been honest with God, there came a point when I began seeking Him more intentionally and wholeheartedly concerning why I was lacking joy as a believer. The more I sought Him, the more I recognized His still, small voice, and desired to obey Him. And the more I obeyed Him, the more I discovered that His mercy was far greater than my shame.

_{Thank you for reading. If this piece resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment below or reach out by email. The freedom God has been bringing into my own life is not reserved for me alone. If you're carrying wounds, shame, or hidden struggles of your own, I hope you'll be encouraged to know that His grace reaches farther than we often believe.}

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